off to a bad start. again.

sometimes when i'm not around, when i just feel like being away from you.. it's not that i don't want to be with you. it's not that i don't love you. it's because i do, i love you too much to hurt you anymore. all these while i know you've been trying so hard to make me happy and in return you hope to be happy too but instead you keep getting hurt. have you noticed that whenever we're in the same room, whatever we say just leads to arguments, quarrels and we both end up crying and hurting each other? i'm so sorry, but maybe this is just a phase. i hope. i just can't stand it. it's not that i hate you, it's that i can't stand being around you cause you just make me mad somehow. i'm really sorry, i don't want this but the irritation just keeps coming. you once said that even though we have been leading an unhappy life, we're not rebellious and we don't really have bad attitudes which made it easier for you. but.. you have to know, for us kids, it's just not normal. before this, we both have been really suppressed with our feelings. we haven't been able to let things out for years. maybe lately that's just how we've been acting out. sure, we don't do drugs, we stay in school and such, but we are being rebellious in a way. maybe our way is just different. we're so sorry to disappoint and hurt you but we just can't help it. furthermore, things haven't actually gotten any better. he's having trouble in school, picking up fights with other kids, sassing people, talking back like me, sleeping over at someone else's homes instead of his own, being unstable in his studies and probably a lot more that we don't know. and more with me going out often till late night, talking back, pissing you off all the time, hurting your feelings, disappointing everyone, taking things for granted, thinking that music and friends are more important than family sometimes. you see? it's not that we want this. it all sounds horrible. maybe after all that happened in the past and with you doing what you did to make yourself feel better so that you won't end up alone, these are our ways to make us feel better. sometimes i feel that being with my friends just makes me a different person, i'm much more happy. i forget my past and live my life "here and now". sometimes we just don't feel like waking up and zapping ourselves to reality. maybe what happened tonight was a lesson. a reality check, in a way. telling me to grow up and get out of that phase of mine, quick. but something inside me just says i'm not ready. i feel so stupid. i feel so sad. i feel hurt. i haven't exactly been making the right choices in life. i regret almost everything. i know people say they wouldn't turn back time cause otherwise they wouldn't have learnt their lesson. i agree with that. but at the same time, i just wish i wasn't so stupid and i wish i didn't to have to break so many hearts and caused so many tears to people, especially ones who gave birth to me, nurtured me, taught me right from wrong, took care of me and loved me no matter what. oh boy, i can't stop crying. i don't think i could carry on. sometimes i just say things here cause i feel that i can't say this to your face. it hurts too much. *sigh. i can't do this anymore..

Happy 61st Birthday, Atok. :]

we all went out for brunch at Emperor's Court, Manggis Mall today. all you can eat buffet, man! awesome shit. biasa le, i ate A LOT. HAHAHA! dim sum wah tu! D: i never get tired of dim sum. hehe. it was great. so happy that i got to see the smile on atok's face. :] haven't bought pressie for atok yet. *sigh. but mom said that we're gonna buy something for atok nanti, so yay. :D

at izah's now. played congkak, uno and speed with them kids.... and uncu. HEHE. oish i feel so sleepy. woke up early tadi coz we had to go for brunch, so yeah. tired coz i rarely wake up early since winter break started. HEHE. shit, now i remember that i have a lot of homework and studying to do. haish. anyway, gonna watch Fresh Prince now with them girls.

loves! S2

today's jam session

as usual, i sucked. hahahah. Yazin said this before we left the studio,

"you should bring your keyboard."

and Kaza went, "yeah, you should."

and so i did. esok tah ku practise! :P

asal Kaza or Nazz masuk kereta as we picked them up,

Yazin would go, "Kaza/Nazz! marahi si Amal!" - pasal I couldn't make it to our first EPIC performance during the Kendo Alliance dinner.

haissh. they haunt me. Nazz was understanding though. she went, "but she couldn't come." aw yay, i love you NAZZ! (^_^)y hahah! although i did get to watch the video of their performance that night. they all lectured Nazz coz she was being random that night. it was so cool coz they all wore hats as a gimmick. eeeehh awesome lah. i wish i was there that night. they all have stalkers sudah. HAHAH! Dayat threw his "farm" hat in the mid of the song, kali. cali laa. the girls' hats were sooo cool! eh kusut ku. hahaha siuk wah! D:

ah anyway today was awesome la. learnt new chords/keys to kaza's song What I Want To Say, Makes Me Wonder and the solo part of It's Not Easy (which was suppose to be a guitar solo). hahaha i don't know why but i kept going "eeeeeeppp!" dari tadi. pasal i was so hyped up over the number of songs we've got sudah. awesome shit, maan.

EH KAZA! I'M YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN! AKU HAFAL LAGU MU! D:

hahaha. yetah Yazin said aku inda boleh ada mic, pasal i get over excited sometimes. hahaha. i can babble all day about today's session. would've been more fun if Nadzif and Nunu were there tadi. coz they played cover songs of From The Inside by Linkin Park and Haruka Kanata by Asian Kung-Fu Generation. i just sang along la and i screamed tadi. we all did. it was so FUN! but my sore hurt afterwords. lol.

oh oh! and we had McD today!

peace out! :P

ETHAN.

ETHAN a.k.a IHSAN wants to check out my blog coz i told him i mentioned his name earlier on, so i take this opportunity to REALLY talk about him before i tell him my link.

he is...

mean, an ass, a jerk, a perv (HAHAH!) and a bitch

cute, a sweetie pie, an awesome shit friend and.. still a bitch. but he's my bitch. HAHAHAH!

i love you, san. ;p S2

REGRETS.

i regret not doing my research before i took my A level subjects. why couldn't i have been more sure about my university course and future? God. i don't know why but apparently i felt like doing my research tonight. because i'm planning to take mathematics course for university, i wanted to find out which is the best uni and what are the requirements. and most universities want A Level Mathematics AND Further Mathematics. i'm only taking A Level Maths. oh how i regret my choices. now i'm prolly gonna have to change to further maths next term and struggle to catch up with them. i hope i can still switch to further maths. the sad thing is, my psychology timetable will change. i love psychology and my psychology teacher is awesome! i've really grown attached to her. without her, i would have never loved psychology. but since psychology is not my major, maths is more important. *sigh. this is so sad and frustrating. of all times to be frustrated. it's winter break, dammit! -___-" i just don't want anymore failures. i have to really work hard next term. although if i don't have further maths, i can always take STEP papers and study further maths in advance on my own so that i don't struggle during my maths course in uni. hmm, that might just work. gaaaah.

"i'm stuck in this indecision"

can't wait to jam with the kidneys and just throw away these negativities! i have to console ethan now, he's sulking about some issues. kesian him hehe. alright, goodnight world. S2

updates.

it really has been a while hasn't it?

okay, updates so far. way back in.. June? July? i got an offer to go to JIS. took a lot of briefings, meetings, submitting forms and interviews. late August, got the call and quit PTEM. moved to JIS, been living in a boarding house, started school on 1st September (i think) and went on from that. more than three months had passed and now it's winter break. another term has vanished in the haze. funny thing is, i've always dread the days during the first couple of months at JIS. begging to God time would pass by quickly. things happened, and now it suddenly seems as if time's moving at a faster pace. as if it were only yesterday i started schooling there. although, i have to admit, i loved times at my previous schools better with my old friends and shit. but i have to move on at some point. been making a lot of new friends though, so it's great. it mends my heart from missing my old friends too much. oh how i love them dearly. especially Michelle, my best friend. if only i could meet up with her this break. she's in KL now, so fat chance. :'( i do hope we don't grow apart too much. it's been MONTHS! for shit sake i miss her terribly.

updated my links. a lot of people either privatized their blogs or changed their links, so i deleted their links coz im too lazy to update. AND i am now part of The Kidney Farm hahah that just doesn't sound right, does it? anyway, i haven't been contributing much. *sigh. Yazin always keeps me feeling guilty. *grrr. hahahah. but he was nice enough to come up with a song called It's Not Easy which focuses mostly on keyboards, played by moi. although... Yazin said this tadi pagi,

(11:09 AM) Yazin of Kidney:and.. if anyone asks.. you came up with "its not easy" XDDD

so yeah, guess I'm the one who came up with It's Not Easy then. :P we have another jam session this Friday. cant wait! i've missed a lot already. been mia! with.. well, school. what with living at the boarding house and all. i hope It's Not Easy would have lyrics asap! can't wait!! :D HEHEHE.

"I smile because I have no idea what's going on,"

i don't know what that whole thing is about. it was on some of my msn contacts punya pms. so, being the jobless person that i am, i googled it. banyak tees having that phrase on them and also titles to some peoples' posts or whatevs.

anyway, i've been having like ridiculous issues lately. i feel so lost. banar tah. inda ku paham! LOL. i seriously don't understand why these things are happening. i've been feeling so paranoid. i can just hope that things will unravel soon. at the mo, i can't really think straight. as my boss said, going through mental block right now. same here, boss. didn't tell anyone about this pasal i seriously don't know how to express my feelings into words. i did tell ken and mich though that lately aku scared and paranoid but yeah, i only told them part of the reason. entah eh. it's sooo hard. i don't understand. but whatever it is, i can just rely on Allah and smile throughout my days. as quoted in the title.

I Smile Because I Have No Idea What's Going On. :]